As we draw closer to the 49th anniversary of our independence, it seems mundane to bemoan our numerous failings as a state. It is an incessant habit we have undertaken for many a year without significant results, and I am not one to beat a very dead horse. So stop you’re endless whining and lamenting. Instead, rejoice! Rejoice, I tell you.
Rejoice, for our leaders so greatly value education that they would travel thousands of miles away to celebrate the opening of a university in another country. The fact that out very own educational system is in shambles is nothing to be worried about. After all, it encourages our youth to engage in more “entrepreneurial” ventures, such as the ever popular “yahoo” scams. Those people must be making good money, because this month alone I have seen at least ten emails from banks I don’t even have accounts with (as opposed to the usual three or four).
Delight in the fact that kidnapping now brings a steady flow of income to the Niger Delta. Only God knows what those people were complaining about before; even if they had worked out a ”deal” with the government and the oil companies, they would have just been living off whatever scraps the corrupt officials left behind after embezzling all the oil money. With kidnapping, you get to keep every Naira you make, and those corrupt jerks don’t get a dime.
Revel in the fact that new banks will soon open up in the region solely for the purpose of facilitating ransom payments. I can see the taglines now: “Niger Delta Trust Bank: your loved ones returned within 24 hrs”, “First Bank of Niger Delta: We negotiate the lowest ransom fees, so you don’t have to”. With any luck, they’ll soon introduce monthly payment plans so that the less privileged will have time to gather funds. And when these banks open, they will create numerous job opportunities, which will enable people to earn income and, in turn, pay potential ransom for their friends and families. It’s a win-win situation for everyone so what are we waiting for? Let’s all go to the Niger Delta and have a good time.
And let’s not forget our international clout. We should take pride in our ever growing popularity in the global scene. Nigeria has been referenced in Blockbuster Hollywood movies and international marketing campaigns. What does it matter that we have been portrayed as cannibals, prostitutes and scammers in all of these media releases? As they say, “any publicity is good publicity, right?”
We should exult, for Ghana is as happy as a lark, laughing as it gazes upon countless Nigerians now flocking to their country for better education and jobs. The punch line? The would-be residents are carrying their belongings in Ghana must go bags. So party hard, my future Ghanaians. After all, aren’t we supposed to celebrate with our neighbors?
Be happy that we do not have to waste money on pointless national projects such as doubling our agricultural exports, which countries such as Cameroon plan to do. Who needs agriculture when you have oil; the dark, liquid gold that has stained some of our people so black that one cannot help but question if we are a cursed nation, pursuing that which lies under the earth and inadvertently destroying all that lies upon it, not only directly but indirectly, by drawing resources away from the development of countless other potential revenue streams. Some ask what will become of this nation when an alternative source of energy is discovered. But that will not happen in the near future, and it’s not like our oil wells will ever dry out, will they?
Be euphoric, for vision 2020 (which looks more like vision 202020) will never come to be, and will forever remain a vision, not a reality. But is that not the beauty of an ideal; that it never comes to be? If we actually obtained our vision, we would become lethargic and complacent, not unlike several of those big banks that have turned our economy into quite a mess. So be of good cheer, for we shall be constantly striving, albeit getting nowhere.
Rejoice, and be glad, for when all goes to hell and the privileged flee to foreign nations, they will find streets paved with gold and infrastructure aplenty, financed fully by the money crooked politicians have stolen from our nation and stashed away in international coffers. They will sit in their crystal palaces and sip on champagne as they celebrate a successful flight from a decaying nation while watching it die a slow, painful death.
And then, maybe in death, this country will find peace. Or perhaps it will turn into a hell far worse than anything we could have ever imagined. Such seems to be a more appropriate fate for a country that has been blessed with everything, but has produced nothing. So eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
- Grey
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