The longest movie

For one reason or another, doing stuff in Naija is long tin. i mean looooong. Bros cant even have a weekend without long ass tin! That’s why people are frustrated in this country. Let me expantiate by comparing the typical movie going experience in jand/yankee to naija.

Seeing a movie in the US/UK:

Step 1: call you mates

Dig out your contract phone, open your phonebook and dail your buddies. The conversation goes as follows:
A: Dude, you wanna go see that new movie? (seeing as american marketing is so well done, if not overdone, everyone knows the when latest movies come out even if they dont wanna know)
B: Sure
A: Which theatre you wanna go to?
B: Lets go to the IMAX. I hear the movie is in 3D, and the screens there are huge!
A: Ok, cool. See you at eight.

Step 2: buy tickets online
Three clicks on Fandango and you’re done.

Step 3: Go to movie
When its time, walk/take a cab/bus to predetermined movie and arrive promptly.

Step 4: watch movie and be happy

Seeing a movie in NAIJA:
Step 1: call your mates
If only it were so simple:

Step 1a: Find out who is in still in the country, because half the population has janded, and the other half is in yankee.

Step 1b: Find out the new cell phone numbers of whoever is still in naij, cuz we all know no one keeps their number for more than two months. (not that its their fault. Why the hell do networks cancel your number after you leave your phone for two months. It cant be that hard to just keep the number on record!)

Step 1c: Go and buy credit because you’re out. (Mallam, give me MTN wan thousand. Abeg scratch am for me.)

Step 1d: hope the networks are not down on that day.

Once you finally call your mates, the convo goes as follows:
A: Ma guy, you wan go see movie today?
B: Meehn, i dont even know what is out.
A: This guy check silverbirds website.
B: Bros, No NEPA.
A: Kai. Anyway, i have their pamphlet. It seems terminator comes out today.
B: Okay, okay. But bros, you get driver? My own no dey for house.
A: Yea yea, i’ll come pick you up. Now hang up jor, you’re burning my credit.
(There is no asking what theatre you want to go to cuz you have one of two choices: SIVABED or DE KPAMS. Take it or leave it)

Step 2: Go to movie
Oh no, not so fast, lets just check up on a few things, shall we?

Step 2a: Check for availability of driver
If you like, skip step 2a. Dont be surprised when the gateman tells you “Ah, Idris don go home oh!” just as you’re about to step out.

Step 2b: account for Naija time and go-slow
Know what time your movie is. Plan to leave thirty minutes before that. Then plan to leave thirty minutes before that. Well, maybe not that far ahead, But as sure as the sky is blue, you will run into naija time and Naija issues: Your driver will be eating lunch, and today of all days he decided to get extra goat meat and kpomo. You’ll find out you need a couple extra bucks, so its time to hit up the ATM a.k.a Popsie/momsie. The go-slow will be more hellish than it usually is. Its always one thing or another. Just be prepared.

Step 3: Buy movie tickets
Because we all know we aren’t buying tix online. And of course, you’re paying in cash when you get to the cinema. Who dash you online transaction?

Step 4: Watch movie and be happy (hopefully)

Now that you’ve finally made it into the cinema, hope that you can watch the movie without being pissed off by

- Kids who are way too baffed up for the event (its the movies for the love of god. You aint clubbin. Now take those shades off fool!)

- The guy who wants the world to know he got a new iphone (will you turn off that thing before i slap you upside the head?)

- The theatre room malfunctioning in one way or another.

Once you've overcome all of the above, you may relax and enjoy your well deserved movie.




Editors note:
Now i know i’ve made it seem like its hell to go to a movie here. Its not that bad, and you’ve obviously got to check up on a lot of stuff no matter what country you’re in. My point is that there is too much long tin in this place. It has gotsta go!! So until I find a better measure, I’ll be using the this guide as a way to measure naija’s progress. The less steps on the list the better. jk

- P.U II

That point in your life...

When you become an adult in Naija:

You’re now eligible for police “checkpoints”: When you were a kid, they’d wave the driver by (after all, you didn’t have anything for them: your weekly allowance wasn’t going to be enough). Now, however, you get stopped at every possible checkpoint, with a “Good evening Oga/madam, wetin u get for your boys?” (“your boys”… like you know dem sef… *hiss*)

You can “authorize” the activation of the generator when NEPA strikes

The household staff now goes “well done” (“weh Don!”) when you get back home.

The kids of family friends now call u “uncle” or “aunty”… makes you feel so old. And in contrast, “Uncle John” is now “Mr. John” to you.

You gotta look at the meter to make sure they aren’t swindling you at the petrol station (make sure it starts at zero before they pump your fuel). The same applies to diesel, kerosene, garri, groundnut, clothing material and all measurable substances.

It may cross your mind to buy a plot of land somewhere once u have enough money (god knows it’s better to buy cheap now and take your time building).

You can take the family car out when you want to (but you dare not touch Popsies/Momsies BMW/Mercedes without asking)

You can “maneuver” the more challenging Lagos roads. Conquering Oshodi Market (which has only one lane for three lanes worth of cars, not forgetting the market stalls and innumerable amount of people) officially gives you Driver (“Driva”) status (though to fully qualify, you need to know a fair amount of shortcuts to and from the Island)!!

You’ve given up on Calling NEPA when there has been no light for a month (in actuality, you should have given up several years ago). You won’t even get through, seeing as all the landlines have been down for ages.

You know better than to buy “Pure water” (also something you should have known a while ago… hopefully you didn’t learn from experience)

You know to have your Cash, watch and GSM ready to hand over once some guy taps on your windshield with a gun.

In order to prevent the above from happening, you know better than to bring out your GSM whilst traversing certain roads.

Before you buy something you want in the market you bargain for at least 15 minutes, with an “Abeg give me last Price (“Laz Prize”)” every two minutes, Only experienced women/Drivers usually get the actual “last price” when they engage in real market scenarios so guys shouldn’t feel so bad if they get ripped off the first few times (for optimum results go shopping with experienced individuals so on your next trip you can say “Which one be One thousand (“Wan Touzan”) you dey talk? No be dis one I buy for Five hundred last week?) . I believe a whole book could be written on Naija shopping tactics (best places to shop, the last price for various items, etc)

Remember those jokes your dad used to crack with his friends? You can laugh at some of them now cant you? (I say “some”, because I bet a lot of em are still gonna fly over your head) You knew it was gonna be bad when they started the conversation with their various nicknames. I believe they once sounded like this:

Dad: AAAH OMODILOGBOOOOooN!!

Dad’s Friend: IKENGA THE IKENGA

Dad: It seems you are living large!!

DF: hahaha, no now! In fact, My generator is eating more than me these days! As they say…

Both: HAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHA

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me, and I bet this applies to some others out there...
Good luck with life.