Inception: Review

Great Movies are few and far between these days. Advanced technology has served to make them more engaging and "Hi-def", but it hard to find a piece that perfectly blends an engaging, dynamic plot with mind blowing Cinematography and choreography. Now I was one of those who wasnt thrown by Avatar. Sure, great movie, wonderful effects, but it didnt grip me as much as many people made it seem it would. It was like being in a playful chokehold; Avatar had my full attention, but it was easy enough for my mind to break away and wander.

Inception, on the other hand, was intense. It was like being gripped by the balls. No, It was like being possessed by the spirit. Heck, It was like having the spirit grab you by the balls while putting you in a figure four leg-lock: It will have your undivided attention, and while you feel that the situation is a tad awkward, you kinda have a warm, fuzzy feeling in your netherregions.

Obvious tributes are made to other masterpieces like The Matrix and Dark City, but these do not dilute in any way the quality of the experience. In fact, they only serve to supplement the already stout cauldron of oozey cinematic goodness that is the main plot; dream diving.

Now I'm not a critic, and am not here to analyze the movie to its bare bones. I'm also not one to criticize a flick just for the sake of doing so, or to see "both sides of the coin". I am an average man, and anything above average usually tends to satisfy me. This movie was, to me, very far above average, so if youre looking for an engaging, thrilling piece, this movie is for you. I have never seen a movie in a cinema twice. this movie may just change that.

- Pat

Top 3 world cup teams/players I’d rather not be right now

In the spirit of the world cup, and how odd this particular tournament has turned out to be, what with certain teams taking shock defeats, and others grasping victories previously thought unattainable, I thought I'd just state a top 3 list of teams/people I'd rather not be right now. Here goes...

3. Rob Green/England: For the country that “invented the game”, these guys have put on a spectacularly poor showing, drawing all their matches so far. People expected them to practically walk over their competition, but they have been less than stellar in both attack and defence. And let’s not forget a certain keeper error that gifted the USA a way to claw one back. (Though the USA was surprisingly resilient during that match, and is currently performing better than expected). Hopefully, they put on a better showing soon, or my jaunt to England may have some very unhappy faces greeting me at immigration.



2. Sani Kaita/Nigeria: This one really hit home, seeing as I am a Nigerian national. Heck, you’d think this guy would be my number one pick for Epic fail/facepalm/FML moment, what with the 1000+ death threats he has already received. And if you haven’t taken a look at his facebook page, please do. Ive seen insults in my day but these blow everything out of the water. Sani Kaita, sucks to be you. And goodluck/godspeed to you when you next decide to enter the nation. ‘Cause You’ll need it.



1. It was a toughie choosing which to pip for the top spot, but I decided to settle for North Korea. Losing 7 to nothing in a world cup game is terrible enough, but when you think of who leads their country... let’s just say Kim jong il will not be pleased. Frankly, I don’t think he’ll care, what with his current beef with S.Korea, and the whole U.N palaver, but you never know. He may be pissed that the other Korea is doing better than his part and decide to go “team America” on his players. Lets just wish them the best, and that they can live this defeat down. I personally think that after 7 goals, I’d just crawl up in a corner and die.

oops, i did it again

I have this bad habit of writing stuff and never publishing it. I guess its because I think they're no good, or that its all random, irrelevant nonsense. Then again, thats all I write, so I guess theres no reason to hold back. Expect more random nonsense coming your way soon.

The village, by M. Night Shyamalan...or not!

From my personal experience, and those of my peers, The annual nomadic cycle of the average Nigerian youth in Diaspora seems to go something like this:

Live in Lagos/Abuja/Port-hacourt
School/work in America/UK/some other country
Come back for holidays (or just have the parents fly over to see you)
*sometimes* Go to the village for Christmas

Everything’s hunky dory! You live in a nice place and can afford to jet set like none other. Great! I’m really happy for you, an imma let you finish, but let me ask you something. How about them village trips?

Yes, the dreaded Christmas village trip. Most of us can’t wait to get it over and done with. We come back to naija from Jand/yankee, enjoy a few days in Lagos, and then start prepping for the villa. We start packing all sanitary materials we can find; dettol, purell, the works. we bring enough mosquito repellant and fleet to kill an elephant, a music player or two or three, a hand-held fan (because god knows you don’t get light in the village. Ever. (If you’re lucky, your family is well off enough to run that generator day in day out.) Then, once we think we’re ready for the trip, we hold our breaths and take the plunge. With any luck, the jaunt to the village will be over and done with ASAP, so we can return to our lives. (heck, with kidnapping at an all time high, most of us don’t even want to go anywhere near those places nowadays).

But therein lies my point. “Returning to our lives”. Several of us have developed a disconnect from the village. There exists a great void, both physical and psychological, separating us from all things ‘village-y’. The village is just another one of those bumps in the road that we can’t wait to pave over once we attain financial and residential freedom (cuz we all know that if we had our own houses in lagos, we’d probably say “abeg burn that village side jor”)

However, the fact that we ‘return’ to the village every now and then signifies that there is something to return to. And I’m not talking about the “link to our grass roots” everyone keeps going on about. Most of us are already way beyond hope in that respect. We’re already knee deep in our Western indulgences; going to the village is just another one of the motions we go through to keep the parents happy while we still live under their roofs. Heck, several of us won’t even pass down our local languages to our children. But that’s a story for another day. I’m speaking of the things that exist on a material plane; things that are our birthright. I’m talking about physical assets: The houses, the plots of land, the farms. Several of our parents still own sizeable estates in our villages. These lands have either been leased out, cultivated on, or may just be sitting dormant, being maintained by select individuals. Some of us don’t even know that our parents possess these things. The fact remains, though, that if they exist, they belong to you and yours. Now I’m not saying you should go prodigal son on your daddy and demand that he disclose all his assets. I just find it interesting to ponder what will happen to all those assets once they are passed on to our generation.

Lets face facts; you’re parents wont be here forever. And eventually, their assets will change hands. If our parents made decisions based on our behavioral patterns and lifestyle trends, they’d probably order their village based assets to be liquidated and channel the fiscal proceeds to our private coffers, so we can continue enjoying the “better life” in developed cities. After all, most of our friends reside in the cities, and we probably all plan to work in the cities. What does the village have to offer us anyway? We have no want for their titles or their people; let’s not lie to ourselves here. Who do you “hang out” with in the village? How often do you talk to your distant cousins, uncles and aunts? This is no time for that self-righteous nonsense. (The pretentious, holier than thou “I love my country and all in it” BullSh** is a story for another day too). Most of them don’t even know your name. If necessary, you’ll send some financial backup to some distant cousin, as long as he has the decency to visit you in your Lagosian abode first, of course. For the most part, a lot of us would rather avoid village activities like the plague.

But our parents probably have a bit more faith in us, and would probably want us to keep the village house as a momento/legacy, at the very least. They would like us to visit the village every now and then, and to foster relationships with the people. So, if we wish to respect their wishes, we’ll probably have to keep the house, and the plots of land, and do more village trips. But therein lies the pivotal question: what the devil are we going to do with those rural monstrosities? (I don’t even wanna get started on the “fostering relationships with the people” part. My brain would melt.)

You may ask yourself, “what do my parents do with those assets?” well, I’m sure they have certain family members in place taking care of these things, and they do visit those sites a lot more frequently than our generation does. All those random weekends away? Yeah, they stop by the village and give the place a gander before they return. Our parents are diligent like that.

But the people our parents have caring for the place are mostly in their generation, and you probably only meet them once or twice when you eventually venture on one of the dreaded Christmas village jaunts (if that), Even then, you may never exchange more than a few pleasantries with them. Like your parents, these people wont be here forever, and even if they lasted that long, by the time you’re old enough to need to take full control of your assets, they’ll be way too old to give a dam about managing your ish. There is the off-chance of your parents retiring to the village, but with the staggering rate at which the elderly are being abducted from the villages, I don’t know how viable that option is. The most that could happen is that they spend a bit more time in the village house, but they’ll probably still reside primarily in the urban regions of the nation. So good luck with getting someone village based to keep the place tidy for you and make sure you don’t come over one day to find some randoms residing in what you once thought was your place. Heck, even our parents aren’t omniscient. I’ve heard of a guy who’s farm got turned into a Weed factory while he was away for just one week. If it happened to someone who inspected the joint on a near weekly basis, imagine what could happen to your estate when you only visit it

But something comes even before finding randoms in your village estate: getting to your village. Now who can drive to their village here, or can at least direct a driver? Show of hands, anyone? I’m guessing not that many. Come Christmas, we just hop in the car and pass out, hoping to wake up in the evening all safe and sound at our villagey abode. A few of us are fortunate enough to have drivers from our indigenous lands. Methinks it’ll be a good idea to have one in the future. (Hmm, staff acquisition/management in the future. That’s a different blog entry entirely. Back to the village.)


Considering how limited our access to the villages are, its small wonder that we don’t really consider these things. And I don’t blame us. A lot of us have been brought up
as Lagosians/Abujans/Porthacourtians. From there, we were shipped off to some foreign land for education. And now we’re in our mid-tweties and getting older every day. Village adaptation is like acquiring technical skills. If you don’t use them, you forget them. And that’s what’s happening to a lot of us right now.


Knowing our parents, they’ve probably set up checks and balances to ensure that these possessions make it into our hands safely. But the greater question is, what do we do with these things once we have them? I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, or how to manage your looming village crisis. I’m still confused as hell myself. Heck, for all I know this little quandary may apply to just me. Everyone else may have themselves sorted out already. That would be awkward, and kinda upsetting. But hey, that would mean that I’d have people to ask for advice. So, if you’re a Diokpa/first son like myself and have already sorted out your future “villagery”, feel free to share some pearls of wisdom. I’ll even pay you! (someone should even start a village asset management company. They could make a killing off our generation) But for now, I’m going back to planning my summer vacation in some other country… Galactus approaches after all.



Yes, I know some of us are true blooded lagosians and don’t have the village assets problem, seeing as Lagos is your true home. To that I say “Oh gooood for you” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrvMTv_r8sA

Leadership; Home and Away

Congratulations to David Cameron, the new Prime Minister of England. The transfer of office was made official after Gordon Brown submitted his resignation to the queen, formally stepping down from his appointment as the Prime minister and as the head of the Labour Party, ending his party's 12+ years in power. Truly a big day in Politics.
Watching the events unfold, I inadvertently began to draw comparisons between how things were unfolding there and how they would potentially unfold here in Nigeria.

First of all, the leader of the country would never resign here. Full stop. Save for falling out of favour with their party's god-fathers, our "appointed" state heads would never budge from their posts, no matter what public pressure they came under. After his unfortunate run in with a certain "bigoted” old woman, Gordon Brown got so much stick for his slip of tongue you'd think he'd just insulted an entire race. Following his gaffe, the man stoically accepted all responsibility for his actions and implied his readiness to resign if he let his party down. In Nigeria, I don’t think I've ever even seen an instance in which the leaders went from doorstep to doorstep, pleading their case with the masses. Those in line for their share of the national cake know when their time will come, so why would they bother with such inconsequential dillydallying? to them, the people are not even worth socializing with on a personal basis, save for the occasional public address, which they probably can’t wait to get out of the way so they can continue doing more important things, like browsing the catalogues for their next private jet. To them, the people's vote has already been cast, the election results foretold; and to the people, this is a far greater insult than being slapped in the faces (or being called a bigot). And when "elected", our leaders become infallible. None of them would even think of stepping down as penance for any of their misdeeds. Matter of factly, these men would much rather die in office than step down for any reason. *Cough*Pericarditis*Cough

One other thing I couldn't help but notice was the subtlety of the power transfer. Brown quietly resigned, and Cameron quietly took power. A nigh stealthy jaunt to Buckingham palace sealed the deal for both parties. Save for the fact that news cameras impeccably covered the journeys of both these gentlemen , one would have been unable to tell that it was national leaders traversing the roads in small convoys.

As a Nigerian, you can’t blame me for taking note of the convoys these two men travelled in. I mean, when the Guardian, a well respected Newspaper, spends half of an article discussing the cars our national leaders arrived in, and only a paragraph on the actual interaction between said leaders, well, I rest my case. But I digress.

The convoy for both parties was limited to a mere three or four cars. And none was a Mercedes Benz. The politicians opted for subtle mid range Jaguars, albeit armoured ones; Traditionally British cars. Makes sense; Obama rides in an American made car. Hu Jintao of China rides a car made in northeast china. The emperor of Japan rides a Toyota It’s a matter of national pride, and displaying confidence in your country. But I won’t judge on this paltry detail. In fact, If our politicians drove in Nigerian made cars, with the state of our manufacturing industry, I’d fear for their safety. Those third mainland bridge breakdowns can be a bitch.

Traffic was not stopped for either party on their way to and from the palace. No sirens blaring, no conspicuous security detail in sight. In nigeria, you could hear the damn convoy approach miles before you actually saw them. Overly conspicuous Security staff would be clearing the streets miles in advance to boot. Heck, anyone who intended to ambush them would have ample time to take out their armed detail while they littered the streets raining abuses on the average civilian, all in the name of clearing the path for their approaching fearless leader.

Let me be fair though. Traffic was not stopped because neither party was Prime minister at the time. Brown had stepped down and Cameron was yet to be officially recognized. Once Cameron is officially PM, His new car will be a lot prettier, traffic will be stopped for him, and the size of his convoy will inevitably increase, though I doubt it'll top the 30+ motorcade the Nigerian President uses (now that's rolling deep!). Furthermore, Traffic here is a tad heavier than over there, so i guess the streets need to be cleared to facilitate travel. Then again, whose fault is that? If those "leaders" actually did their jobs, our infrastructure would be on track, and the daily commute would not be half the nightmare it currently is. And what's with almost every government official (and some ex officials) having irrationally long convoys? If they really wanted to help, they could reduce their convoys by a couple dozen cars. Then they'd have an easier time getting their asses to their destinations.

But let's not forget the kicker; if it were Nigeria, Cameron would be getting a ton of congratulatory messages in the following day’s papers from parties "wishing him well", aka wishing for him to do them well with some political favours. Of course, just taking up an entire page or two in a paper won't do the trick; but don't worry, most of those fogies would have already sent a couple of rams/goats to Cameron's residence to sweeten the deal.

Now I'm not playing the part of the "holier than though nigerian", berating the state of affairs, and going on a rant about how our culture demeans human life by placing more value on what we have than what we are. I'm not going to rave about how materialism has eaten so deep into our culture, and how extravagance and excess seem to define how much a man has achieved in his life, and how, if things don't change, our society will continue on its downward spiral, as our morality erodes to vanishing point. Oh no; none of that for me. That has all been said before, and repeating it won't really do me any good. I'm just enjoying the show. Besides, I have my own problems, like where I'm finding my first million. Maybe I should invest in a few cows and forward them to the governor's office. it'll definitely be worthwhile once I land a solid contract, don't you think?

N.B: Pictured is the New model Jaguar Cameron should be using now. His is black, and costs about £200,00. Me likey!

Friendly Fires

Times change… People change... We change… What happens when your old friends are no longer the type of people you care to associate with?

Now I’m not saying that your former friends have pulled a heel turn, started smoking crack and kidnapping people for ransom. No, it’s the little things; the lifestyle choices they’ve made that don’t mesh with yours: The crowds they choose to hang with. Their manner of speech. The way they text (I mean, if u hd a frnd txtin u lyk dis mst of d tym, I dnt thnk ud wnt dem 2 b txtn u oftn). It’s not their fault. They just chose to live life a little differently. But diversity brings discrimination, whether we want to admit it or not. They’re different from you and you’re different from them. In fact, they may find you just as incompatible/unappealing as you find them. Some of them probably can’t wait to be rid of you. Now it’s not a question of who can’t stand who, and who the bad guy here is. The fact remains that from your perspective, you guys just don’t mix anymore. And, from a purely economical point of view, it makes no sense for you to keep associating with these fellows.

It takes away your time, and it takes away your energy; the effort you expend in an attempt to be social is no mean feat. You send the occasional “what’s good?” message of facebook, and if you ever see them at a social ensemble, you try to hold a conversation with them for more than a minute. But they don’t say anything of worth, at least not to you anyway. To someone else, their words may be glistening, golden baubles of immeasurable wisdom and rapturous enlightenment. To you, however, its crap; Pure, unadulterated cow dung. And it isn’t even the good kind of shit. If you spread that dung on a field you wouldn’t grow nuthin. Seeing them for more than just a minute is just, for lack of a better phrase, a waste of life.

So, what do we do with these “friends”. Some folk say “just ditch em.” A crude but effective solution. Just bail out of the friendship wagon. Downgrade dem fools from ‘friend’ to ‘associate’. Pretty much ignore their existences, perhaps exchanging a few pleasantries when you walk past each other. Just perhaps. Its not much different from what you already do. Heck, you hardly see them as it is, right?

Now I’m not saying you become their enemies (whenever I say that word, the Nigerian intonation of it always comes to mind. Naija folks know what I mean. There’s enemies, and then there’s ENEMIES. But I digress). Your social interactions with these people, or what semblance of them you have, remain almost completely the same. The only thing that changes is your mentality. These people no longer hold a significant portion of your mind-space. A trifling thing, you might think, but mind-space is nigh invaluable. It’s the base for conformity, groupthink and coalescence. It’s how movements get started; how revolutions begin: by allowing someone to take a share of your mind. It’s all about Cathexis; the investment of emotions into an object. When you attribute significance to something or someone, you feel more strongly towards them, and both positive and negative emotions projected towards the object are heightened.

If you attribute “friendship” to a party, you are more likely to agree with them, empathize with them and see things from their point of view. So if you look at things from the perspective of a guy who spits nothing but bullshit, what do you think you’re gonna see? That’s right; bullshit. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not one for having bullshit on my mental windscreen. It obstructs my view; and when cruising down the road of life, I prefer to be able to see my goals. If I have to step out of my cognitive conveyor to clean bullshit off the glass every two seconds, my goals will be a long time coming. It’s probably best to have those shit-spinners take a flying leap. Good riddance to bad rubbish and all that stuff.

But, on the flip side, closing off your mind to these people also means you forego seeing a lot of things, though it’s probably going to be mostly (yes, you guessed it) bullshit. There’s a saying that goes “even in a pile of pebbles, one can find a pearl.” It might only be a minute chance, but as long as that chance isn’t zero percent, you just may be able to pick out something valuable from the lives of these people. Maybe all that cow dung isn’t impotent after all. Besides, you never know when you’ll need them for one thing or another, so while it’s tempting to burn bridges, you may want to keep these guys around. Just in case. The downside is that you never know if you’ll ever actually need these people, or if you’ll ever find that valuable pearl. You may just end up having dung flung in your face for the rest of your life.

At the end of the day, I remain at a quandary when it comes to these folks. As I said before, I’m not perfect, and these feelings of social disconnect may be mutual. Perhaps some people may have been trying to get rid of me for the past couple of years but my insistence on social interaction must have been dampening their efforts. If that’s so, then I apologize to those people from the bottom of my heart, for I have been a bullshit slinger; a relentless cow dung flinger. But for those who have been throwing the crap in my face, I could go down the Usher route and let it burn, or I could go with Journey and don’t stop believing. Neither solution has proven itself absolute; after all, each case is unique, and no two friends are alike. So I guess it’s impossible to generalize, and till I examine each case individually, I’ll do a Johnny Cash, and walk the line.

Tezuka Zone (手塚ゾーン)

The first thing on your mind must be “wtf is a tezuka zone?’ Heck, what on earth is a Tezuka anyway? Well, Manga enthusiasts like myself would probably be familiar with the prince of tennis series; A series in which they play, well, Tennis. The captain of the protagonist’s squad is a guy named Tezuka. He’s a really good player. He’s got everything you could ask for; the service, the backhand, the smash. Pretty much your run of the mill great player (oxymoron anyone?). But the young lad also has the ungodly ability to spin the ball in such a way that, after a few exchanges, any return from the opponent flies right back to his racquet. Kind of like a vacuum/magnet. And from then on, the kid doesn’t have to move an inch; all the opponent’s returns go right back into his strike zone. And that’s the Tezuka zone. Awesome, right?

Yeah, I know it’s pretty much impossible in real life, (hey, that’s why it’s a manga!) But I digress.

Now you may be wondering what I’m ranting about. Well, you see, I really like that move. Apart from the fact that it’s Totally Awesome, I see it as analogous for the perfect life. The raison d’etre of lives everywhere. It’s the life all lives should aspire to be. (Right now you’re probably thinking “what the hell? I bust my ass for a bachelors degree/masters and this mo’fo is telling me to go play tennis?”). I implore you to be patient and allow me to expanciate (is that even a real word?)*

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Jimoh Ibrahim. Most Nigerians should know who that is. (Those who are still in the UK/USA, I wouldn’t bet on sha). Anyway, for those who don’t know, Mr. Ibrahim is a prolific entrepreneur, and just recently bought Virgin Nigeria, amongst other things. Now, one thing really amazed me about this encounter. It was not hearing of his exploits, nor was it hearing about the staggering rate at which he acquired business ventures. It was seeing the speed at which all these opportunities came to him. While I was in the meeting with Mr. Ibrahim, he literally had people lined up at his doorstep, waiting for an audience. Several he told to just come back another day. Some fortunate few were allowed the privilege of waiting in his compound whilst he wrapped up his other meetings. One thing in common with all these folks? They all wanted to do business. Some wanted to assist with a takeover; some wanted to be taken over. Others were potential pilots or managers of his most recent takeover (Virgin). There were all sorts, and Mr. Ibrahim had his pick of the litter. If he thought your proposal could fly, he’d buy into it. If not, he wouldn’t move a financial muscle. If he thought your venture had immense potential, you could walk away with millions in the space of an evening, though Mr. Ibrahim would likely make a few more million than you would at the end of the day. Such was his control over things.

Mr. Ibrahim is at that stage of life in which he no longer has a need to hustle; to go out and look for viable areas of growth. They all come to him. All that’s left for him to do is analyze the situation and pick what he thinks to be the most profitable ones. Everything is at his beck and call. The bullets are already loaded. All he has to do is pull the trigger, for he is the top gun. He is at the zenith, the epitome; at the centre of things; He is in his Tezuka Zone**. And I believe, to a greater or lesser extent, that this is where we should all aspire to be; at the center of things. To be the ‘be all and end all’ of whatever we do. We don’t have to make boatloads of money a la Mr. Ibrahim (though that would be nice too), but if we do what we love and strive to do it better than anyone else, money will naturally follow. And moreover, we will be at the dead center of our industries. Nothing will be able to pass from one end of the circle to the other without passing through us first. And because of this, we’ll be able to take a bite out of it if it looks tempting, a la a great white shark.

But it is important to understand that nothing comes without hard work. Even Tezuka has to trade shots with the adversary and analyze him before he can appropriately match his own strikes. In the same way, we have to play the game, and build up our zones with every stroke of the ball, taking everything in stride; Keeping our eyes open, waiting for opportunities, and taking advantage of any openings we see. We can’t expect to have everything in place from the get-go. We must be ready to work extra hard: For we are facing the toughest opponent; life.

So we should give it our all, and aim for the top, creating our zones as we go along. Who knows, we may have a future Jimoh Ibrahim amongst us. But, more importantly, if we play our cards right in the game of life, almost everything*** will come to us, and we won’t need to sweat the small stuff anymore. We can all just sit comfortably in our Tezuka Zones, waiting for an opportunity to land that killer drop shot****.

- Fin

* No, seriously guys, is that even a real word?

**(I guess technically he’s in a Jimoh Ibrahim zone, but that’s beside the point).

***yes, “almost” everything. Tezuka zone isn’t perfect, you know

**** Zero-Shiki dropshot, anyone?