Nigeria at 49: Lets have a ball

As we draw closer to the 49th anniversary of our independence, it seems mundane to bemoan our numerous failings as a state. It is an incessant habit we have undertaken for many a year without significant results, and I am not one to beat a very dead horse. So stop you’re endless whining and lamenting. Instead, rejoice! Rejoice, I tell you.

Rejoice, for our leaders so greatly value education that they would travel thousands of miles away to celebrate the opening of a university in another country. The fact that out very own educational system is in shambles is nothing to be worried about. After all, it encourages our youth to engage in more “entrepreneurial” ventures, such as the ever popular “yahoo” scams. Those people must be making good money, because this month alone I have seen at least ten emails from banks I don’t even have accounts with (as opposed to the usual three or four).

Delight in the fact that kidnapping now brings a steady flow of income to the Niger Delta. Only God knows what those people were complaining about before; even if they had worked out a ”deal” with the government and the oil companies, they would have just been living off whatever scraps the corrupt officials left behind after embezzling all the oil money. With kidnapping, you get to keep every Naira you make, and those corrupt jerks don’t get a dime.

Revel in the fact that new banks will soon open up in the region solely for the purpose of facilitating ransom payments. I can see the taglines now: “Niger Delta Trust Bank: your loved ones returned within 24 hrs”, “First Bank of Niger Delta: We negotiate the lowest ransom fees, so you don’t have to”. With any luck, they’ll soon introduce monthly payment plans so that the less privileged will have time to gather funds. And when these banks open, they will create numerous job opportunities, which will enable people to earn income and, in turn, pay potential ransom for their friends and families. It’s a win-win situation for everyone so what are we waiting for? Let’s all go to the Niger Delta and have a good time.

And let’s not forget our international clout. We should take pride in our ever growing popularity in the global scene. Nigeria has been referenced in Blockbuster Hollywood movies and international marketing campaigns. What does it matter that we have been portrayed as cannibals, prostitutes and scammers in all of these media releases? As they say, “any publicity is good publicity, right?”

We should exult, for Ghana is as happy as a lark, laughing as it gazes upon countless Nigerians now flocking to their country for better education and jobs. The punch line? The would-be residents are carrying their belongings in Ghana must go bags. So party hard, my future Ghanaians. After all, aren’t we supposed to celebrate with our neighbors?

Be happy that we do not have to waste money on pointless national projects such as doubling our agricultural exports, which countries such as Cameroon plan to do. Who needs agriculture when you have oil; the dark, liquid gold that has stained some of our people so black that one cannot help but question if we are a cursed nation, pursuing that which lies under the earth and inadvertently destroying all that lies upon it, not only directly but indirectly, by drawing resources away from the development of countless other potential revenue streams. Some ask what will become of this nation when an alternative source of energy is discovered. But that will not happen in the near future, and it’s not like our oil wells will ever dry out, will they?

Be euphoric, for vision 2020 (which looks more like vision 202020) will never come to be, and will forever remain a vision, not a reality. But is that not the beauty of an ideal; that it never comes to be? If we actually obtained our vision, we would become lethargic and complacent, not unlike several of those big banks that have turned our economy into quite a mess. So be of good cheer, for we shall be constantly striving, albeit getting nowhere.

Rejoice, and be glad, for when all goes to hell and the privileged flee to foreign nations, they will find streets paved with gold and infrastructure aplenty, financed fully by the money crooked politicians have stolen from our nation and stashed away in international coffers. They will sit in their crystal palaces and sip on champagne as they celebrate a successful flight from a decaying nation while watching it die a slow, painful death.

And then, maybe in death, this country will find peace. Or perhaps it will turn into a hell far worse than anything we could have ever imagined. Such seems to be a more appropriate fate for a country that has been blessed with everything, but has produced nothing. So eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.


- Grey

The longest movie

For one reason or another, doing stuff in Naija is long tin. i mean looooong. Bros cant even have a weekend without long ass tin! That’s why people are frustrated in this country. Let me expantiate by comparing the typical movie going experience in jand/yankee to naija.

Seeing a movie in the US/UK:

Step 1: call you mates

Dig out your contract phone, open your phonebook and dail your buddies. The conversation goes as follows:
A: Dude, you wanna go see that new movie? (seeing as american marketing is so well done, if not overdone, everyone knows the when latest movies come out even if they dont wanna know)
B: Sure
A: Which theatre you wanna go to?
B: Lets go to the IMAX. I hear the movie is in 3D, and the screens there are huge!
A: Ok, cool. See you at eight.

Step 2: buy tickets online
Three clicks on Fandango and you’re done.

Step 3: Go to movie
When its time, walk/take a cab/bus to predetermined movie and arrive promptly.

Step 4: watch movie and be happy

Seeing a movie in NAIJA:
Step 1: call your mates
If only it were so simple:

Step 1a: Find out who is in still in the country, because half the population has janded, and the other half is in yankee.

Step 1b: Find out the new cell phone numbers of whoever is still in naij, cuz we all know no one keeps their number for more than two months. (not that its their fault. Why the hell do networks cancel your number after you leave your phone for two months. It cant be that hard to just keep the number on record!)

Step 1c: Go and buy credit because you’re out. (Mallam, give me MTN wan thousand. Abeg scratch am for me.)

Step 1d: hope the networks are not down on that day.

Once you finally call your mates, the convo goes as follows:
A: Ma guy, you wan go see movie today?
B: Meehn, i dont even know what is out.
A: This guy check silverbirds website.
B: Bros, No NEPA.
A: Kai. Anyway, i have their pamphlet. It seems terminator comes out today.
B: Okay, okay. But bros, you get driver? My own no dey for house.
A: Yea yea, i’ll come pick you up. Now hang up jor, you’re burning my credit.
(There is no asking what theatre you want to go to cuz you have one of two choices: SIVABED or DE KPAMS. Take it or leave it)

Step 2: Go to movie
Oh no, not so fast, lets just check up on a few things, shall we?

Step 2a: Check for availability of driver
If you like, skip step 2a. Dont be surprised when the gateman tells you “Ah, Idris don go home oh!” just as you’re about to step out.

Step 2b: account for Naija time and go-slow
Know what time your movie is. Plan to leave thirty minutes before that. Then plan to leave thirty minutes before that. Well, maybe not that far ahead, But as sure as the sky is blue, you will run into naija time and Naija issues: Your driver will be eating lunch, and today of all days he decided to get extra goat meat and kpomo. You’ll find out you need a couple extra bucks, so its time to hit up the ATM a.k.a Popsie/momsie. The go-slow will be more hellish than it usually is. Its always one thing or another. Just be prepared.

Step 3: Buy movie tickets
Because we all know we aren’t buying tix online. And of course, you’re paying in cash when you get to the cinema. Who dash you online transaction?

Step 4: Watch movie and be happy (hopefully)

Now that you’ve finally made it into the cinema, hope that you can watch the movie without being pissed off by

- Kids who are way too baffed up for the event (its the movies for the love of god. You aint clubbin. Now take those shades off fool!)

- The guy who wants the world to know he got a new iphone (will you turn off that thing before i slap you upside the head?)

- The theatre room malfunctioning in one way or another.

Once you've overcome all of the above, you may relax and enjoy your well deserved movie.




Editors note:
Now i know i’ve made it seem like its hell to go to a movie here. Its not that bad, and you’ve obviously got to check up on a lot of stuff no matter what country you’re in. My point is that there is too much long tin in this place. It has gotsta go!! So until I find a better measure, I’ll be using the this guide as a way to measure naija’s progress. The less steps on the list the better. jk

- P.U II

“Kingdom-Phylum-Class-Family-Genus-Species”

“Kingdom-Phylum-Class-Family-Genus-Species”

The words reverberate through Ikhenna Onyeador’s head like an echo in an empty cave.

“Kingdom-Phylum-Class-Family-Genus-Species”

“Or is it Family before Class? Meehn, this is not even funny.”

It was July the 15th, 9:30pm, in LJC, and finals began in less than 12 hours. With only 15 minutes left till lights out, Ikenna was getting all he could into his head before Mr.Arina’s Biology test the next day. Bassey Otoabasi, just done with some late night laundry, quipped as he walked by:

Ah ah, Ikenna, you’re still jacking?

(Anyone who has ever heard Ikenna Onyeador yarn please flashback a bit to get the full effect of the next few lines)

“Meehn, this is not even funny. After Biology almost put me on academic probation last CA. I’m surreh but ah cannot allow dem to probate me.”

“But it’s the end of term, just bang the test jor”

“Noo! LJC? Local Jail for Shidren? They will probate me once I get back! I’m not in the mood to have Paulinus call out my name in the middle of my Saturday movies next term.”

As he uttered those words, Odia Egbire Molen, the trusty timekeeper, came out of his room and rang the bell for lights out.

“gbelen, gbelen, gbelen”, went the brass/copper/”only-god-knows-what-material-it-was-made-of” bell

Irede, the hostel prefect, promptly switched off the lights, as he wanted to get some shuteye.

“Heeeeeee, they will not kill me oh!” Ikenna screamed as he grabbed his notes off the floor. He promptly proceeded towards the laundry area where the lights were still on, waving his Biology notes in the air like a madman. “Paulinus will have to drag me to my bed tonight, and I will give him hell!”

Unlike Ikenna, The well prepared were already sleeping comfortably in their beds. The likes of Pat Oladimeji knew they would be bashing Mr. Enokela’s Agric science exam in the morning. “Citrus spp. and Musca Sapientum aint got nothing on me!” he chuckled to himself as he went to sleep. Little did he know that Mr.Enokela would only be giving half marks for all “spp.” answers, requiring full scientific names for whole credit.

Charles Okon and his roommates were also sleeping soundly, though not as prepared as Oladimeji. In fact, they had not studied at all. Having stabbed Hausa class all semester, what was the use in worrying now? Sugaban Dalabai, or whatever Mallam Shehu called it, could go and perish for all they cared. Maybe one of the Hausa chicks would give them dubs if she was feeling nice. In retrospect, they should have given the girls last night’s buns just to seal the deal. Anyway, it’s no biggie. They could always perform the old “write-on-the-chalkboard-and-erase-it-just-slightly-enough-so-we-could-still-see-it” trick. It worked for the passé compose in French during the last CA, and it never hurt to have a backup plan.

Hamza Ibrahim is also making last minute preparations. T.D board, check. Rotaring Compass and Protractor, check. T-square. Check. Pencils, Check. He promptly stashes the precious cargo in his locker and seals it with his personal combination lock before jumping into bed and shutting his eyes. He wasn’t foolish enough to use the standard LJC locks. One knife and a well timed blow were all you needed to crack one of those. And that was only if you didn’t know the trick to opening them silently. With Mr. Val’s Technical drawing exam two days away, he wasn’t taking any chances: Anyone with half a brain knew that T.D materials had suddenly become “scarce” a week ago, and anyone careless enough to leave their precious instruments unguarded would pay the price. The closer you got to the exam, the more risky it became: Many a T.D final had been accompanied by panicked students wondering how their T-squares had evaporated in the small span of time between breakfast and the Exam. Several opportunists were willing to sacrifice Akara and Pap for a decent T.D board. If it was Wednesday bread, all they needed to do was get a pal to smuggle it out for them while they obtained the goods. With this knowledge etched into him as deeply as his name is etched on his T.D equipment, Hamza peers one last time at his locker to ensure that it is as impregnable as Fort Knox before soundly falling asleep.

With the general populace all in bed, Sergeant makes one final patrol around the boys’ dorm before turning in for the evening. But, unbeknownst to him, there are some for whom the night is still young. For minutes after he leaves the dorms, a faint glow illuminates Regis’ Box Room 13. Within its confines, the true creatures of the night begin to stir…

“Abeg chuka, shine the light here small!”

“Dis guy, why you no bring ya own torch?”

“Mehn, Paulinus seized it last week when I borrowed it to one junior” (That’s right; “borrowed” would suffice for both borrowing and lending.)

The words flew back and forth between a certain Chimdi Enigbuna and Chuka Okwu. The pair of roommates had earlier been deceived by Tony Madaki into playing dorm soccer, and were unaware that he had already thoroughly jacked for all the upcoming exams. “Just one game”, Madaki had said. But as with most dorm soccer matches, one game turned into several, and before the boys knew what had happened, it was already lights out. Tony Madaki would be heading straight to bed, but for Chimdi and Chuka, a crueler fate awaited: Late night jacking in the Regis box room. NEPA had taken light (duh!), so they couldn’t even rely on the box room lights. Chuka had been well prepared enough to bring a torch, but Chimdi was not as prepared, and thus found himself in his current plight. He tried to get Chuka to share the luminous wealth, but his roommate was having none of it.

“Chimdi mehn, guys have Ms Ohia’s Economics final tomorrow. I need to jack! Olamide should have an extra torch. Go and check.”

“This guy, why you doing me greasy? Xavier house is far. Anyway, I’ll be back”.

“Don’t let them nab you sha!”

Ma guys, lower ya voices. You want Sargeant to hear us?

The grave voice belonged to John Chuchu Onwuagha, who was sitting in the corner. In one hand was his economics notebook. In the other, a loaf of bread and TITUS sardines (because sardine is not sardine if it isn’t TITUS). A trivial meal, one might think, but to the residents of LJC he might as well have been eating caviar on toast. (The smuggling exploits of this individual and his cohorts are tales of legend. But that, my friends is another story.)

“Sorry ChuChu, no vex. Anyway, let me be going.”

With that, chimdi snuck out of the box room.

The other residents of the box room then began their various affairs. In one corner, Olusola “Shogz” George Taylor, Umar Abdullahi and ChuChu were conducting their “trade operations”. Finals week was a good time to sell excess stock: everyone with extra cash was using it, seeing as they’d be back home in some weeks. People also got hungry during late night jacking sessions, such as this one. It was a goldmine for the professional smugglers. Nasco, aka “Nas”, would be going for prices between N150 and N200, seeing as it was finals. Frequent buyers may be lucky enough to buy at the regular price of N100, which was still a 100% markup on the street price (Shogz, you bagger, making boyz buy for N150!)

The other inhabitants of the room were of the jacking persuasion, each with their own torch and various textbooks. Science students were getting ready for Physics and Further math, while art students had Government and History to study for. Chuka was of the art variety, and aside from studying for Economics, he needed to do some hefty jacking if he was to pass his upcoming History final. That Ottoman Turk topic was some very “unsegzy sturvz”, and he had not bothered to read up on it till today. Needless to say, he wasn’t very thrilled when he heard it would make up majority of the final. As he cracked open his book, he heard a small shuffling sound directly outside the box room. “It’s probably Chimdi on his way back from Xavier with a torch!” he thought to himself. But it was not meant to be.

An all too familiar “Who are those?” resounded through the air, and not unlike the voice of God, it struck fear into the hearts of men (or in this case, young boys). A key was inserted into the lock, which opened with an ominous “click”. Chuka and his fellow students immediately put out their torches. The door swung open and in stepped a student’s worst nightmare. It was Mr. Orji, with cane in hand. It was the worst possible scenario for the lads: Trapped in a box room with only one exit, and between them and the door stood the scourge of mankind (or studentkind, as the case was). But as the cornered mouse would fight a cat, these boys had no intention of getting caught. Chu chu faced double incarceration if he was apprehended with smuggled goods (which is now an offence worthy of suspension in LJC. It’s as if they have nothing better to do. *hiss*) so he was not going to come quietly. It was indeed a desperate situation, but all was not lost: For once, lack of NEPA worked in favour of the students. Orji had not brought his torch, and the boys thus had the cover of darkness under which to make an escape attempt, which they promptly did.

As if led by a military commander, the boys proceeded to execute a retreat that would make an army general proud. Two boys flanked Orji’s right, and two others went to the left, while the braver soldiers attempted to break through the middle. Any normal human being would have been overwhelmed by the assault, but this is Orji we are talking about. He would not just let it end like that. His cane wielding hand moved at speeds that would make a black mamba envious, striking Chuka and Umar simultaneously. Umar chests it like a man, but the unexpected lashing catches Chuka unawares, and he lets loose an inadvertent “yekpa!”

Orji’s cat-like ears didn’t miss a beat. “Chuka Okwu, is that you? Will you come here!” But Chuka does not hesitate in the slightest. He bolts out of the box room as if his life depends on it. At worst, Orji will come to his dorm later, and he’ll deny every allegation. As long as his roommates didn’t cast him, he’d be fine. Speaking of roommates, where the heck was Chimdi? Maybe he had been nabbed by Orji and was already kneeling down on the lawn outside.

But the lad in question was already back in his dorm: On his way back from Xavier, Chimdi had seen the hardened disciplinarian heading toward Regis and promptly declared O.Y.O (on your own) on the poor sods in the box room. “Next time Chuka will share his torch!” he sniggered mischievously in his head. In fact, maybe he’ll try to extort two biscuit from Chuka in exchange for not casting him. As he lay on his bed, he contemplated the lost study time. “It’s all good.” he thought to himself. He could always jack right before the morning bell or during breakfast. To an extent, the point of partaking in late night jacking was the mischief and all other shenanigans one could engage in while perambulating the campus. Then he remembered that Economics and Government were back to back tests.

“Maybe i’ll just make dubs jor…”

End

Whot a night

Its almost the end of senior study hall. Paulinus and most of the other staff are managing the dorms, where the juniors are already asleep… or should be. The seniors have free reign, and they’ve been using it for quite a while. The other senior classes are making as much noise as they can, but it is a silent night in SS3D.

The atmosphere in the room is tense. Two individuals stare each other down in a high stakes match the likes of which have never been seen. Many have already fallen in their attempt to make it this far, and their antes shall become the spoils the victor shall claim. As of now, two remain, but there can be only one. Uche Ekeledon and Kene Nweze face each other as Gladiators in a death match. Neither intends to have any mercy. Each intends to strip his opponent bare, leaving him with nothing. It is a winner takes all final game of Whot.

The cards have been dealt, each finalist getting eight starting cards to make sure the game lasts longer. The starting card is displayed; a four of Cross. Uche having won an earlier coin toss, will begin the match. he plays a Three of Cross. Kene throws down a three of Circle. Uche goes to the market. Kene also goes to the market. Uche plays a six of triangle. And then, the action starts:
“pick three!” Kene slams a five of triangle on the desk. Uche picks the three. Kene then follows with playing a nine of triangle. Its Uche’s turn to go on the offence. He trows down a two of triangle.

“pick two, my friend!”
“Abeg pick four”. Kene retaliates with another two, this one of square

Kene hesistates, and begins to reach for the market. Uche uses this split second to add two additional twos to the stack.
“in fact, pick eight!”

The crowd goes silent. This may be a crushing blow for Kene. However, he has a knowing smirk on his face.
“Dis guy you tink ya smart. I block am!” Kene throws down the seven of stars and stops Uche’s assault in its tracks.
Uche is visibly disappointed: He could have been in a good position if he had gotten Kene to pick. Kene, on the other hand, knows he’s in a good position. He knows uche doesn’t have more than one picking card. That’s because Kene has two fives and a seven alongside a six of stars. As long as he can get rid of the six of Stars, nothing can stop him from blasting uche and winning the game. If, perchance, Uche has another five, all he can do is send back the assault, leaving Kene to check-up by blocking with the seven. If Uche blocks with a seven, he’ll still check up with the seven. It all depends on uche’s next card, and as ii an answer to kene’s prayers, uche throws down a four of stars, not changing the suit. Kene immediately plays his six. The stage is set. Now all he needs to do is wait for his next turn to come. But it never will.
A resounding noise breaks the silence as Uche’s hand slams the pile of cards..
“I don Knack am!”
(for you who don’t remember, once you tap the deck a card can’t be withdrawn). The following words seal Kene’s doomed fate:

“Suspenshunsuspenshungeneralmakethol-onlaskatchekup!” (“Suspension, suspension, general market , hold-on last card checkup!”.. for all of you who were confused by the actual pronunciation, which is way more fun to write out)

In a flash it ends. Kene, still bewildered, needs a few seconds to regain his motor functions before rummaging through Uche’s game winning play, with hopes of finding an error. But alas, there is none. The Igbo man has played a perfect hand. His job done, the Edo native rises from the table:

Uche Ekeledon gives himself a mental pat on the back for a job well done. He will have 5 buns tonight. Tomorrow will bring two extra pieces of fish to his table. The losers have the responsibility of traversing the heavily patrolled borders between the different houses (the most unfortunate will be the poor sod who has to deliver fish from connely to Regis. It’s a long trip and fish cannot be as easily concealed as biscuit, (by far the most portable/smugglable nightcap), two of which will be taken from the aforementioned sod if he fails to deliver the fish. If he brings a nice tail maybe Uche will let him off the hook for the half Wednesday bread he still owes from a previous deal… just maybe. After all, one could always make a deal with half Wednesday bread: half fried rice on Saturday sounds like a good exchange. God help any juniors who try to dupe him. After all, it was LJC: the local jail for children. You could run far and wide (Run to the sick bay if you must) but you cannot hide. With that reassurance, Uche begins to head towards the dining hall, but not before turning around to his fellow gamblers and cracking a cocky grin.
“Same time tomorrow guys?”
Amidst swears and jocular chants of “waka” “shege” “dan boroba” and “ya fada...” Uche steps out into the moonlight. It is a good night to gamble. Maybe he’d get one more game in before lights out. After all, seniors got extended time, he’d gotten a junior to do his ironing for one bunz (only because he was feeling generous), and NEPA was being good for once. With a chuckle, he walks on. Life had never been better for a jailed gambler.

Weightlifting for dummies

Okay, this is by general request from the masses. I don't intend to sound like a workout guru or nothing and most of what i do/did may not be accepted by all but hey, it was requested, and I will provide. Currently I am on the Crossfit regimen, but this is my old regimen and there may be a lot of things I have changed over the years. Also, a lot of this is written as if addressing an absolute gym illiterate, so dont be offended if it seems like i'm spelling it out. I do not intend to insult your intelligence. lol.
So here goes

get ready for this. I put some effort into writing it:

Aite, before you even touch a weight, here's the basics for Gaining MASS (god i love when they write that in magazines):
*eat small meals frequently (good, healthy stuff, 5-7 times a day)
* Lift like a mo'fo... keep the reps low (6-10) and heavy.. go heavy most of the time.
* Sleep like a log.. get 8 hrs+ whenever u can!
* Body part splits help out (chest with tris, Back with bis, legs, shoulders.. each on a different day)
*keep cardio to a minimum. this is where it gets tricky... if u like your endurance, you cant really get huge, because cardio breaks down muscle fast, esp. if u do it a lot for a long time. But if u get huuge, u lose speed and a bit of endurance (u can actually gain good sprint speed if you train right). Combining the two is difficult to say the least. Only dedicated individuals (the type that weighs their oats in the morning) can get both in... some dude I know is huge but can run like a friggin zebra! I hate him. lol.
Also, if you don't watch it, you could put on a lot of fat because due to lac of cardio... unless u have good genetics, say goodbye to your abs. lol. This is where eating good stuff is important: If you eat healthy stuff only, u can put on muscle without much fat (but in college, we all know that aint possible.) that's why cardio is still necessary, but not too much. All in all, you need cardio, but too much and u don?t get huge, and little/none will make u a tub of lard.. Jus for kicks lemme tell u that the average time before the body becomes catabolic (breaks down muscle) is 45 minutes. so you have to keep most of your workouts in the span of an hour to an hour and a half maximum... if u wanna put cardio in with your body part workout, well,that's anutha story. Unless u doing five minutes on the bike, you jus askin for trouble. I Told u it was a tad complex. lol. It helps to be Asian though. Most of them guys pretty much don't need cardio to have a low body fat%. They don't really need it unless they wanna keep endurance/got bad genes. Lucky bastards!

Having a protein shake can eliminate two or three meals in the day, so you don't need to waste money on food. (Have one once u wake up, especially the morning after a hard workout, one in the middle of the day, and one to wrap up the nite b4 u sleep.) I had the unlimited meal plan freshman year so I could eat like a pig. Lol.
Rest is important. Don't go gymin 7 days a week. Recovery is SUPER important. hence sleep and eating, which rebuild the muscles
There you have it? all u need for huuugeness in a nutshell:

You asked for the break down, so here's the real deal. Get ready for
some reading:
These are my old
body part splits, with two parts (like chest and tris) done on the same day. I didnt do more than three excersises per body part. (thats madness!) i just switched up the excersises i did every week.

Chest (usually done alongside triceps for me)

1. Bench press(flat): 4 sets (excluding warm-up set) of 12, 10, 8 and 6 reps respectively. Increase weight each set.
2. Incline Bench press: 3 or 4 sets (depends on you). Same format as flat bench: increase
weight, decrease reps
3. Decline bench press (some people don?t even bother with it, so this one is at your
discretion) same format as the other two.
4. Cable flyes: (tell me you know what this is!). 4 sets
5. Dumbbell flies can substitute for cable flies.

(in place of the normal barbell bench press, incline etc, u can use dumbbells instead. This allows you to incorporate more stabilizer muscles. Go with the normal stuff for about two weeks then try dumbbells. Believe me, doing 220 on the bench doesn't mean doing 110 per hand using dumbbells.. its a lot harder doing it independently)

Triceps
1. dips: (once again, tell me u know what this is)? (if you?re a heavy guy, you may not be able to do this with your body weight, but you should be fine): 4 sets. If you are too light, try weighted dips. Use the belt which allows you to strap weights on it, then dip with that. Use a heavier weight each set.
2. tricep extensions: 4 sets, same format (increase weight, reduce reps)
3. tricep pulldowns: 4 sets, same format
4. skull crushers (generally, these are tricep extensions on a bench,
with a barbell
instead of dumbbells, using 2 arms at once): 4 sets, same format.


Since I used to do Chest and triceps together, I do pushups for a warm up set. And you can use them to put a finishing touch on your workout? abs may accompany chest and triceps.

Back:
1. Lat pulldowns: 4 sets, same format. (up weight, down reps)
2. Seated rows: 4 sets, same format
3. DEADLIFTS (aite, u mite not wanna do deadlifts on this day. Not that they'll kill you,
as the name implies, but the lift works a lot of bodyparts, including lower back and
hamstrings and quads and forearms, so you?ll be hurtin after this one) no one really knows the best time to do deadlifts. Some do it on legs day, some on back day. In fact, some guys have a whole
workout day for deadlifts alone. Ask guys at ur gym when they do theirs. I personally limit this to 3 sets.
4. Incline rows (just rows at an angle on some machine. If u don?t have that machine, don?t bother). Same format
5. Pullups, hands at shoulder width. If your hands are too inwards, you end up working
your biceps more than your lats. This usually happens to me anyway, cuz I?m relatively
heavy. If u cant do pull-ups jus yet, stick with the other exercises and build up
strength then come back to pull-ups later.


Biceps
1. barbell curl (everyone knows this one). 4 sets, usual format
2. Dumbbell curls. 4 sets, same format.
3. Preacher curls. 4 sets same format
4. hammer curls. 4 sets, same format.
5. now, if you feel like an intermediate, try drop sets on the preacher bench (I'll
explain drop sets later).

FOREARMS.
These will probably be worked during ur biceps exercise, but u can work em anyway.
Reverse barbell curls do the trick. Forearm curls work well too.

LEGS
Oooh yea, everyone loves to hate legs day. I bet no one you know likes em. My old roomie
never wanted do em, till he saw the light. Any website will tell you that squats and deads are KING exercises.
1. Squats: jus do it! 4 sets, same format.
2. Leg press: 4 sets same format
3. Leg extensions: same ol thing (try drop sets if u have a death wish)
4. Calf extensions. I do 6 sets for this.. it?s the only thing I do
high reps for.

Shoulders/traps
1. Military press, barbell: 5 sets, 12 reps to 3
2. Side lateral raises. 4 sets, same format (12 reps, 10, 8, 6) (try front lateral raises for some variety)
3. seated dumbbell press 4 sets, same format
4. shrugs. 5 sets
5. upright rows. 4 sets, same format.

ABS
Yeah, everyone want to have abs.. hehe
For abs, I jus do about 15-20 reps for leg raisesn and 20 sit ups for multiple sets. Then
the drop sets on the ab-lounge looking machine we got in our gym. Neways, its basic stuff.
Hanging leg raises: 3 sets 15-20reps
Sit ups:2 or 3 sets, 15-20 situps
(use a weight and do crunches on an incline bench if u aint got an ab machine
with attached weights)
you can do abs wheneva u want... jus slot em in some workout. jus make
sure u put em in. i've had a case of "I'll put it in next time", but "next time" never comes. lol
Let me just say here that abs are a mainly a combination of genetics (for shape) and diet (for definition). if you start using the auto fill google bar and type in abs are made.. it will fill the rest out with "...in the kitchen", which is pretty much true. a low bf level increases definition. but remember, if you're going for size, you'll have a higher bf than someone who's cutting, so dont expect to have washboard abs like he does.

DROP SETS
I hold a strong belief that Drop sets, like math, were created by the
devil to screw me over. Like deadlifts, which leave u dead, when ur done with these, you
will drop. (Don't even try em for legs or you won?t be able to walk). They generally
involve putting on a heavy weight, then doing a couple of reps (12-15), then, you drop
someweight of the machine/adjustable barbell and do more reps. Keep dropping the weight and
doing reps until all the weight is off. For all the reps after the first, try going for
12 reps/till u can go no further. Believe me, you?ll have so much trouble lifting up the empty bar
when you?re done. You?d end up with like 60 reps in one set.. sweetness.


No matter what the lift, there are general rules to follow.
Do not cheat: Don?t use "body English" when working out. Make slow,
controlled movements with the weight. If you don't, you end up using other body parts,
and not working the targeted areas. Like those guys who swing their whole bodies to lift
a dumbbell/barbell during a curl.I bet u see em. They aint workin their biceps at all. They using momentum to shift the weight. Cheating, however, is not all bad. it can help you get that one extra rep when you need it. But It can also be dangerous. If ur bouncing a heavy weight off your chest and not controlling it, you run the risk of smashing ur ribs! Which leads me to number 2

2. Always have a spotter: preferably someone who goes to the gym with you, so u don?t feel awkward looking asking some random guy, or girl. A spotter should constantly watch u, especially when doing heavy weight, so u don?t kill yourself. I've seen some accidents bro.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRrX1cvT6ds


3. Alternate: after using a routine for a while (a month or more),
switch it up if you want to. Do different workouts on different days. If the old routine
works fine and you're seeing gains, leave it be. But if u seem to have reached a plateau, feel free to change things
up.

4. Eat right: now this is even harder than working out and harder still when in college. Eating right is an entire article on its own. maybe i'll put it up later.

5 . When you do these workouts, The amount of sets and reps, the order
in which you do em, is all up to you. The range is generally 3-4 sets of 12-3 reps per exercise for hypertrophy and strength.

Chest is usually done with tris, while back goes with bis. Some like to change it up. And
I like to put legs between back/bis day and shoulders so I?m not doing too much upper
body. Some guys will do all the workouts twice in a week. Hey, it works for some guys. But Do not underestimate days off. That's when muscles heal/grow. If u don?t take a day off every now and then, you overexert the muscle, and may injure it. However, What works for someone will not necessarily work for you, and vice versa. 4 sets with decreasing reps works aite for me, with 2 days off in a
week. so I'm cool. Experiment and find your style, and happy lifting.

If u got any questions. Jus ask. Besides, u got the internet on ur side, and your fellow gym peoples! Ur all set! 4get the grammatical errors. Boiz don't have time. I aint getting paid ya know (For all this typing I swear I should be making a buck or two) lol.
If u wanna know some sites, bodybuilding.com is sweet. T-nation.com is king. some facebook groups are good too.
Peace out!

Regards,
Pat Utomi II

Crossfit New England Throwdown!

On Saturday, the sixth of March, my friend Lee Jacobs and I ventured out to Natick Massachusetts for what would be one of the greatest Saturdays either of us would have: one which would leave both of us temporarily incapacitated, on the verge of death, and perhaps most importantly, aware of our place in the world of Crossfit. For the uninformed, Crossfit is (a la Wikipedia) “a strength and conditioning fitness methodology. Its stated goal is to create "the quintessential athlete, equal parts gymnast, Olympic weightlifter and sprinter.” It is also my latest physical fitness challenge: because lifting weights and occasional cardio just wasn’t leaving me as dog-tired or making my life flash before my eyes as often as I would like it to. I was in search of something relatively new. After all, it’s common knowledge that “switching it up” every once in a while is good for the body.

My friend Raj Patel used this opportunity to lure me into the world of Crossfit. (Oh, did I say lure? That may be a bit misleading. I meant DECEIVE! I was CONNED, HOODWINKED I TELL YOU! IT WAS ALL ONE BIG TRAP!). After a couple of weeks of trying the scheduled WODs (workout of the day), I gradually came to hate it less each day and stuck with it (Hence the Deceit from Raj. He knows that as long as its physical activity I’ll do it, even if it kills me every time I do. He also calls me just to “check up on me” and see if I’m “still doing crossfit”. It’s like he’s guilt tripping me into it, though I’m not sure if he’s doing this consciously or not.) Point of the matter is that I eventually got to meet Mr. Lee Jacobs, who is also an avid fan of crossfit and after a couple of workouts together, we get to bond as fellow crossfit lovers/haters.

One day, Mr. Jacobs tells me (via facebook) about an upcoming Crossfit New England Throwdown, and asks if I’d be interested in going. It would last from 12 noon to 6 pm and be composed of three WODs. Considering my love for athletes and physical activity, I was going to go no matter what. The key question was whether I’d compete or not. I’d only been on the crossfit program for a few weeks, and was mixing in my old lifting routine every now and then. I wasn’t really sure if I could take on three WODs in one day (Considering my first WOD experience lasted only eight minutes and left me laying on the gym floor for at least half an hour while people walked by and looked at me as if I they hadn’t seen a dead tired negro on the floor before). I decided to suck it up and compete. After all, the worst that could happen is that I’d get my ass handed to me by a chick. I went to bed on Friday night fully unaware that the worst would happen quite a few times.

As morning broke on the fateful Saturday, I proceeded to make myself a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, with a protein shake on the side. I didn’t want to eat too much, as I wanted to be as light as possible for the trials ahead. In retrospect, I should have had a bigger meal: A MUCH bigger meal. After the meal, I proceeded to assess my arsenal: Protein powder, check. Fruits and nuts, check. Change of clothes, check. Gatorade, check. Armed with the necessary nutritional sustenance that would facilitate my survival for the day (or so I thought), I ventured out of my dormitory in high spirits, ready to take on the world; the world of Crossfit.

Lee was kind enough to rent a zipcar and drive up to my residence, so soon after stepping out of the student village I was on my way to Natick Massachusetts. Excluding the stop for gas and getting lost after being misled by multiple streets named “Oak Street”, the journey was a relatively short one. But it was going to be a long day for me and Lee. We arrived at Crossfit New England with time to spare and proceeded to register for the days events. The turnout is great, with about eighty athletes showing up (more people to totally own me). There were three WODs (workouts of the day, if you forgot) we were to partake in, and individuals could take part in groups with varying levels of intensity. The first group was the pups, with the easiest workouts, followed by the pack and then the “Big dawgs”, who had the highest intensity level. Lee and I signed into the big dawg class. “Bad move buddy”, a voice in my head goes. I ignore said voice (Bad move number two).

Before Each WOD, each crossfitter partners themselves up with a coach. I partner myself with a lovely lady named Cynthia, or Cindy as she is more affectionately called. Why does this name have a malicious ring to it? Oh that’s right, because one of the crossfit workouts is named Cindy. 22 rounds I believe… (Crossfit reference, don’t worry if you don’t get it). Cindy is from crossfit cynergy, and her group is made up of great people through and through, including her hubbie Keith. The pack and pups get started, and before I know what’s happening, Cindy’s all up and done with her WOD, and Lee and I are up for our turn with the big dawgs.

all smiles because we are yet to know the true meaning of pain!

The first WOD is a 400m run down and uphill followed by 20 burpees for 4 rounds. A burpee is pretty much dropping to a pushup position then getting up then hopping slightly. Sounds easy, but do that 20 times after a 400 meter run. Four times. That’ll learn ya. I’m doing this WOD with lee, and several other “Big Dawg” crossfitters, including about four females. I don’t even lie to myself by saying “maybe I’ll keep up with the girls”. I know I’m getting owned here. The question is “how many meters behind am I going to be?”

By the fourth round, I’m dying, and my legs refuse to obey my commands. My burpees look like I’m a kid learning how to walk. Time runs out just as I finish the last run. That’s fine, because I would have literally keeled over if I had to do any more burpees. Lee doesn’t finish either, though he’s a bit ahead of me. I guess the fifteen minute time cap on each WOD leaves you a bit frustrated, but prevents you from completely draining yourself. That way you have a bit more time to get ready for the next WOD. I finish my run with a grin and tell my coach that it was fun. He tells me I’m crazy. I don’t blame him. Not many people in their right minds would find that workout enjoyable.

The second WOD is 21 deadlifts and 7 thrusters for five rounds. Not good. My back is still recovering from a chronic pain disorder (which I most likely brought upon myself by having poor deadlifting form). Not to mention that deadlifting is the bane of existence for taller people. But hell, I did the WOD anyway. After just two pulls, my coach already notices that I’m quad dominant and don’t pull from my hips as I’m meant to. He advises me not to rush the WOD but to get my form right so I don’t hurt myself. I comply. By round four, yet again, I feel like I’m going to die. But it’s not the cardio that’s killing me. It’s my back. Even though I try to keep the right form, it’s not easy, seeing as I’ve been doing it a certain way for quite some time. Even the thrusters, which are usually easy for me, become aquite the excruciating experience. I also drop the bar right against my right shin. Just a graze; slightly annoying, but it is heavily outweighed by the fact that we dont get to drop barbells in the school gym (just buy bumper plates dammit! why is BU so cheap?)

(there’s lee dying. Haha)

I manage to finish four rounds when time is called. Crossfit cynergy members cheered me on, and that was a very refreshing experience. the atmosphere in the place is amazing: competitive yet friendly. perfect conditions for an athlete to thrive. not that I was particularly thriving at that moment. But thats besides the point. One more WOD and it’s all over. (Note to self: thrusters are evil. Never do them… ever)


The last WOD is a Push press/jerk for seven reps followed by twenty pull-ups for five rounds. Lee and I swear we’ll finish this one even if it kills us. Lee goes first and finishes in about eleven and a half. I step up after he’s done and have a go at it. The weight is just 135 lbs. I usually throw this up as a warm-up, but at this point in the day, it feels as heavy as anything I’ve ever held. It’s a painful five rounds but I too, finish at about the same time as Lee. As I stumble away from the blood drenched pull-up bars, someone shoves a beer into my hand. I thank him kindly and proceed to (nearly) pass out on a nearby spot on the floor. To my surprise, Lee and I actually finish ahead of some people in this WOD. I guess we retained some of our dignity. The next group of big dawgs steps up and FLIES through the WOD like there’s no tomorrow, with most guys finishing in about seven minutes. Ridiculous!

(Death by pullups)

(more death by pullups)

With the WODs all done, the crossfitters proceeded to have a little shindig right there in the gym. Lee and I stayed for a while to indulge in some healthy turkey wraps provided by the various crossfit teams before packing up and heading back to BU. I felt sorry for Lee, who had to drive. I could feel the pain his legs were in. We got back home, grilled some stake at Lees place, and then I went straight to bed, knowing that I wouldn’t be working out for at least the next four days. That pretty much concludes my day of workout hell which may or may not be one of the best Saturdays I have ever had. Save for the blood and sweat and tears (literally) it was an amazing day I wouldn’t mind reliving sometime soon.

(“Yup, there’s the insane “I’m DONE!” face)

(beer and protein. Best combo ever)

(Crossfit. Unfuckwithable)

(That’s sue, Cindy’s kid. 12 yrs old. Amazing!)

(yeah Holly!!)

(Go Rich!!!)

(me and sue size up battle scars)

(just one of several pull-up casualties)

(Theres Cynthia ripping it up)

210 baby (fine, 210.5. jeez!)

So I awoke this morning to find that had reached (or very nearly reached) my goal of weighing 210 lbs. I'm almost exactly 30lbs down from 240 (forgive me if I'm insulting your math skills. and I didn't get a scale till recently so i don't have any evidence of when i was morbidly obese. haha.)

Pleasantly surprised? yes i was. It was a long and arduous journey, but i got here. And i couldn't have done it without the men's health handed to me by the accommodating flight steward (I'm kidding, okay?). But there was a lot of brown rice and broccoli involved (considering i don't eat pasta). yay for complex carbs!
And as for the naysayers to my eating chicken in class: I have back to back classes and i need to eat, okay? more eats = higher metabolic rate = more burned calories! I don't get it: when a girl eats straight up meat in class it cool, because she's on atkins. but when I do it, I'm a meathead. I just cant win!

Below are some of the basic (very basic, i know) home cooked foods that got me through even the toughest times (because I've obviously gone through hard times. those who pay my tuition must be trying their hardest not to kill me right now. I love you padre!):

The notorious men's fitness, accompanying my dinnerage for the day.

mmmm, salmon, brown rice and broccoli

215... getting there

chicken and brown rice (brown rice and broccoli? again?)

Chicken getting ready to be taken to Tuesday/Thursday classes

accompanying Manwich that also follows me to class.

Meat and... big surprise! brown rice!! and broccoli!!

Dessert! cottage cheese + Strawberries. (don't worry, its usually Reese's white chocolate peanut butter cups. I only show you what i want you to see.

Manwich Construction!

Chicken and... yes, you guessed it, Broccoli!!

Victory (or very close to it)
Curse you gravity! couldn't you let up for a bit? just 1/2 a pound! do i need to go and run now just to make weight?? what a cruel world!

Now I'm not saying this is all i eat. I am a white chocolate fiend and I'll tear into some whenever i have the chance (that includes white chocolate cookies. Curse you BU pub!). and lets not forget the occasional lion bar. Food is good, so indulge yourselves. But remember, you are what you eat, and if you're trying to shed unwanted lbs, you have to do the Heisman on that chocolate tart every now and then.

I also know that water weight is a huge factor and I'll most likely fluctuate between 208 and 213, but that's fine with me. I'm a happy bunny. Now I just need to get a few more calories in to make sure i stay in the 200 range. Crossfit will burn a lot of calories, both the good and bad ones.

as for those tagged in this note, you are people who either experienced my in-class chicken eating, constant bitching/whining about calories, fit rec-ing, or are just very good friends i'd like to share the inner workings of my life with. then again, the last category encompasses you all, seeing as i would care enough to let you in on aforementioned chickening/fit-rec-ing. yay for friends! now maybe I'll be able to go skydiving with Sachit/Kevin!

(Nigerian) food for thought

It was a regular day in the life. Only this morning, I was making pancakes. (I hardly ever make pancakes.) I mixed the ingredients and heated the skillet, anticipating the deliciousness soon to follow. Ah, pancakes; a culinary delicacy full of soft, fluffy goodness. Suddenly, a voice goes off in my head, speaking in the most broken English I have heard since daddy showkey. “look at your head like pancake! (LUK AT YA HED LIKE KPAN KEK). “you have obviously forgotten where you came from.”

As I pondered this exclamation, I realized that, sure enough, Nigeria, despite its constant civil strife, has changed a lot since we were in primary school. and this change extended into our eating habits. Nowadays, we wake up, make some pancakes and toast, drink some OJ and, if we’re feeling adventurous, have an omelette on the side. For lunch, our options are limitless. We can go out and have some Nando’s chicken, sweet sensation, or maybe some st elmo’s pizza (2 for 1 super Tuesday comes only once a week after all). We can grab some dessert at chocolat royale if we’re still feeling a tad peckish. And this is just the guys in naij. The folks in the UK are having tea and crumpets, with pudding and tart on the side. Walkers Crisps are spot on when watching those footie matches aint they fam? Throw some Strongbow in there and you’re all set. Don’t even get me started on those residing in our very own US of A. Starbucks franchises are on display like litter on the streets of Ajegunle. McDonalds, Burger king and the like are thriving amidst the depression, with ever cheaper meal options showing up on the menu each day. Wendy’s 3conomic burgers are looking mighty fine right now, aren’t they? The options are limitless. In the midst of this maelstrom of delectable edibles, we seem to have abandoned that which gave us sustenance till we reached this point. Allow me to take you back, way back, to some of the Breakfasts, lunches, snacks and beverages that have played an iconic role (some still do) in our Nigerian existences:

Breakfasts
PAP and AKARA
NASCO corn flakes with HOT water and Peak evaporated milk (none of that kellogs stuff yo. Lol)
Bread dipped in tea (bournvita or milo, take your pick)
Bread and Butter (jam? What’s that?)
boiled/fried egg (eat with bread, akara or yam)

Lunches and Dinners
Eba (add soups as necessary)
Peppersoup (and meats/fish as you see fit)
Pounded yam
Amala
RICE (be it white, fried, jollofed, it was always there. Add chicken/meat/fish as necessary)
Beans
YAM (boiled, fried, pounded, Porridged… eaten with oil, stew, soup, options were limitless)
Plantain (almost as multifaceted as yam. Boiled, fried, porridged, frittered… Plantain is always welcome as a side dish or dish in itself.)
DODO (such a specialized form of plantain it has to be set in a category of its own. Lol)
Moin-Moin (nuff sed)

Beverages
OGOGORO
Legend Extra stout
Gulder
Star beer

Snacks/Small meals
Soaked garri and groundnut
Chocomilo
Sunshine Coconut chips
NASCO WAFERS (for those primary school break times before we had enough allowance to buy Mr Biggs.)
FAN ice cream (more easily attainable with meager allowance- N20 in those good days. Always good after school.)
Chin-Chin (one of our best fried snacks IMO)
Robot/Sprint Chewing gum (Chin-gum…)
CORNED BEEF and SARDINE sandwitches. (how could you forget Titus? Don’t lie and say momsie never made mass sandwiches when you had to bring something in for the feast on the last day of class)

I know I have omitted a lot, so feel free to throw in whatever gastronomical wonders that graced our plates back in the day.